Crush
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: A one shot BtVS/JLU crossover that I decided not to continue, but a decent one shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Crush**

**Disclaimer: I own neither the JLU nor BtVS.**

Xander looked around him blurrily, or rather looked below him blurrily, as he was currently on the ceiling.

The founding members of the JLA stared at the young man, who was sprawled out on the ceiling above the table where they held their weekly meetings.

"How did you get in here?!" demanded a certain dark cowled figure.

"This isn't my bedroom floor?"

"No, dude it's the ceiling of our conference room," the Flash replied, wondering how drunk you had to get to mistake one for the other.

"Oh crap."

***WHAM***

Wonder Woman flung her magic lasso far too late to do anything aside from catch him around the waist as he slammed into the table.

Everyone winced at Xander's impromptu belly flop.

Xander gave out a muffled "Owww" as he rolled off the table and fell onto the floor the lasso tangling around his waist.

"Are you ok?" Superman asked.

"That depends, am I in the Watchtower and are you the JLA?" came the voice from the floor.

"Yes to both, now how did you get in here?" Batman demanded.

"Well it all started at a strip club in Oxnard..."

"Exploiting women to satisfy your own base lusts?" Wonder Woman interrupted.

"Hey, someone wearing an outfit that would fit in on stage isn't allowed to comment and for your information I wasn't a customer, I was a dancer and as far as base lusts goes, if you haven't had massive amounts of lesbian bondage sex I'll eat Batman's cooking," Xander retorted wondering when he was going to wake up. His head felt bloated and he still felt halfway drunk.

A shocked silence filled the room as everyone froze in place, hoping that if they didn't make any movements she'd forget they were there.

Wonder Woman's response stunned everyone who hadn't considered what the social life of someone who lived on an island populated solely by un-aging young women would be like, IE everyone but Xander, who had spent countless hours with his best friend Jesse during their teenage years speculating on just that subject.

"What constitutes a massive amount?"

"If you have to ask, then you've already had it."

"Which pisses you off more; the stripping or the stripping for the opposite sex?" Xander asked, still lying on the floor watching the room spin a little crankily.

"There's nothing wrong with stripping in a private setting for someone you care for. It's just that the males I have seen that frequent such places are … lacking in base humanity."

"You should see the women that frequent the male strip clubs, I haven't seen a lack of humanity just a serious lack of restraint."

"I'll have to go to one before I can comment on that."

"Ahem! We're getting off topic," the Green Lantern interrupted gruffly.

"We had a topic?" Xander and Flash chimed in together.

"HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" Batman growled out.

"Well as I was saying, I was working as a stripper so I could get my car repaired – cuz the engine decided to drop out of it when one of the women ripped my g-string off with her teeth for some reason this prompted a rush on the stage and I was right in the middle of some interesting flash backs when a demon appeared and offered me a wish."

"A demon offered you a wish?" Hawkgirl asked skeptically, glancing at his waist to ensure the lasso was still in place.

"Well yeah, personally I think she didn't like the idea of all those girls pawing at me when we'd just gone on a date a couple of weeks before."

"You dated a demon?" Superman asked, wondering what had happened to the morals of his youth.

"She was human when I dated her, and it was just the one date! I took her to the Prom, she hadn't been human very long and I felt a bit sorry for her. Sure she was the patron saint of scorned women..."

"You dated Anyanka?!" Wonder Woman exclaimed.

"Yep, a good dancer, very pretty, but her conversational skills were still stuck in the Vengeance against all things male. So a lot of patience and a strong stomach was a must."

"So what did you wish for?" Shyera spoke up, her wings fluttering a little as she leaned to the side and stared at the dark haired young man who seemed quite content to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling.

"Well you have to understand, I was in the middle of a panic attack at the time but me and some friends had talked about what we would wish for if we were ever granted one, and although this was a wish it was more of the monkey paw variety since a demon was granting it. But she did have a nice time on our date and said I was the least scum like male she'd ever met. So I figured I had about even odds of something good happening or ending up in hell being tormented for all eternity."

Gasps and shudders met Xander's matter of fact announcement as the Capes around the table imagined the risks he'd took.

"She really said you were the least scum-like male she'd ever met?" Wonder woman asked intently.

"Yep," Xander stated proudly. "And then she demanded a good night kiss and said she would like to stay and have me give her many orgasms, but she wasn't going to risk her newly acquired mortality on me and my friends ability to stop a demon ascension ritual.

"That sounds bad," Flash said, unaware of just how big an understatement that actually was.

"Back to the topic at hand," Batman growled out.

"Right," Shyera agreed. "What exactly did you wish for?"

Batman suppressed a growl of frustration as the young man spoke up, "You have to understand that I was drunk at the time."

"You were drunk and stripping?" the Green Lantern asked.

"Yep, see I was hired as a dishwasher, but one of the dancers broke a leg and there was no way I was going up there sober."

"And the wish?" Superman asked, curious himself.

"A Buddhist walks into a Burger King and says..." Xander grinned and waited while everyone looked at each other in confusion.

The Flash being a natural joker figured it out first. "HOLY SHIT!"

Everyone stared at his uncharacteristic use of profanity.

"Sorry guys I mean... Well no, holy shit about covers it," the Flash nodded meaningfully.

"Wash that a joke or are you serious?" Shyera asked, wondering if this was just some Earth cultural thing that didn't translate well.

"Both," Flash and Xander answered at once, confusing everyone once more.

"What was it like?" the Flash asked, wonder and shock apparent in his voice.

"Do you remember when you first rode the lightning?"

"Yeah."

"Like that, only more so."

"Whoa!"

"I don't get it," Superman voiced what everyone save the Flash was thinking.

"A Buddhist walks into a Burger King and says... make me one with everything," Flash said.

Questions were fired from everyone but Flash let out an ear splitting whistle and everyone fell silent.

"Forget it, unless you've gone through it you can't understand. Trying to explain it is like trying to explain sight to a blind man... No it's more like trying to describe virtual reality games to Helen Keller."

"So you can't describe it at all?" Wonder Woman asked.

"Describe the un-describable?" Xander said. 'Maybe an analogy.' "It was like clinging to god's breast with her nipple in my mouth, listening to her giggle."

Flash nodded thoughtfully a far off look in his eye. "Yeah that pretty much covers it."

"What is it with men and breasts?" Hawkgirl grumbled rhetorically.

"Hey!" Xander complained, finally climbing off the floor and taking a chair between Hawkgirl and the Flash. "Everyone who's been one with at least one facet of reality raise your hand."

The Flash and Xander both raised a hand and looked around the table.

Xander turned to the Flash. "What's the nature of reality?"

"An all encompassing warmth and softness that radiates love and fills a void you never knew existed."

"Now doesn't that sound like a breast to you?!" Xander demanded.

The other male members of the JLA began to nod, but stopped at Shyera's glare and Wonder Woman just blushed and avoided eye contact.

The Flash was completely unrepentant. "What's the nature of reality?"

Xander grinned. "An indescribably beautiful and wonderful woman with indescribably perfect breasts, whose nipple I was glued to."

"So reality is a woman and you decided to attach yourself to her nipple?!" Hawkgirl asked doubtfully.

"Not really," Xander shrugged. "That's just where I was pulled to when I passed the border of reality and ascended to the metaplane. I didn't plan on landing there, but I was pulled like an iron filing to a magnet."

"So you're magnetically pulled toward breasts?" Hawkgirl said sarcastically.

Xander nodded "Yep, I can point out any pair in the room with my eyes closed, it's like a sixth sense."

"I find that hard to believe, lasso or not," Green Lantern stated, his arms crossed across his chest.

"No, it's true," the Flash declared. "I can do the same thing. It's a side effect of ascending reality."

"Then why have you never mentioned it before?" the Dark Knight questioned, giving up and joining the conversation.

The Flash shrugged. "I've never had reason to before. Can you really think of a time when my ability to sense breasts would be mission critical?"

Batman being more literal minded than most computers, had a reply before the Flash could finish his question, "Search and rescue operations."

The Flash shook his head. "It's best to search an area for all survivors, unless you only care about the ones with breasts. I only use it after I run a standard search pattern."

Batman snapped his fingers. "That's how you've managed to be more effective at search and rescue than the computer projections. You run a standard search pattern and if you haven't found anything you scan for breasts. If the size of the breasts is a factor, it also explains why you tend to save large breasted women first."

Hawkgirl snickered, "Then he should be able to sense Power Girl anywhere on the planet."

Xander and Flash tilted their heads to the side and their eyes lost focus.

"She's either taking a shower …" Flash's voice trailed off.

"... or she's having sex, from the way her breasts are moving," Xander finished.

Superman turned his head for a moment before returning his gaze to the group. "Shower."

"Did you just use your X-Ray vision to peep on Power Girl in the shower?" Wonder Woman asked, stunned.

Superman shrugged. "We needed to verify if what they said was true." He seemed completely unfazed by his act of super lechery.

"And you're not worried that she'll beat ten tons of hell outta you for seeing her naked?" the Green Lantern asked.

Superman shook his head. "Of course not, she's Kryptonian."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Hawkgirl demanded.

"To a Kryptonian, pretty much everyone is naked most of the time," Superman explained. "Our vision cycles through various modes when we're not concentrating on any one thing. It's an involuntary reflex."

"So that's why she keeps pinching my rear!" Flash exclaimed.

There was a lot of shifting in place as everyone realized they were all sort of involuntary nudists to the resident Kryptonians.

"Enough about nudity and sex," Batman demanded while making a mental note to line his uniforms with lead. "HOW DID YOU GET HERE?"

"I thought you didn't want to talk about sex?" Xander asked.

Superman and Wonder Woman each put a hand on Batman's shoulder to keep him from leaping across the table at the slowly sobering teen.

"I think he means, how did you end up on the ceiling in the Watchtower, not how did you come into being," Flash clarified amused at seeing Bats actually lose his cool.

"I was talking about how I got on the ceiling in here!" Xander protested. "Sex is involved."

"You had sex with all of existence?" Wonder Woman asked eyes wide.

"Don't be ridiculous, she is so far out of my league it isn't funny. No, I had sex with one of her daughters."

Wonder Woman had relaxed for a moment but was now back to being shocked.

"You had sex with a goddess?!" she exclaimed.

"No, I didn't have sex with a goddess," Xander deliberately let her relax this time before continuing, her attitude getting on his nerves, "I had sex with a Personification which is as high above a goddess as a goddess is above a mortal."

He found her stunned incoherence very satisfying.

"What's a personification?" Flash asked.

"It's a physical representation of a universal force. In this case, an absolutely gorgeous brunette called Gravity." A dopey smile made an appearance on his face.

"You had sex with Gravity?" One of the Green Lantern's eyebrows crawled up his forehead.

"Yep, I was enjoying my time with existence or as you'd describe her 'The Creator'. It's not something anyone can do for long term, unless they're willing to give up their mortality, so we knew that my time with her would be short. My mind expanded enough to see various possible places to go, and I noticed Gravity was feeling a bit down so she sent me to her."

"And you decided to cheer her up by having sex with her?" Batman asked.

"No, I told her jokes and got her talking and she decided we should go out dancing, which led to drinking, which led to sex, but as with existence, spending too much time that close to her would change me into something else. So she sent me home, or at least that was the idea, but my mind kinda wandered, which is how I ended up here," Xander finished.

"So you got Gravity drunk, and had sex with her and in her drunken stupor she sent you to the wrong place?" Wonder Woman demanded.

Xander glared at her. "No, she got me drunk and seduced me, not that it was a hard thing to do for a woman of her beauty and personality. The alcohol was needed to dull my senses a bit so I could spend the amount of time needed for sex, without becoming a higher being. Sending me here was my fault not hers, because my mind wandered mid transport."

Wonder Woman had the grace to look abashed. "Sorry, but it did sound bad."

Xander's glare softened. "It only sounds bad if you consider Gravity a mortal woman with a mortal woman's limitations. Well that and buy into that men are always the sexual aggressor line, which I don't. Of course the reason I don't is that every time I've had sex I wasn't the aggressor, I was the aggressee and speaking as the aggressee I can say I heartily approve of their actions."

"Well, now that that's settled," Batman growled at what he perceived as an attack on a … friend, "how do we get you out of here?"

Xander shrugged. "Search me, personally the last 24 hours have been so unreal even for me that I'm pretty sure I'm just dreamin'. This isn't even my home universe but since I'm dreaming I figure I just have to wait until I wake up, and in the mean time I might as well say everything I've ever wanted to say to you guys after learning so much about you."

Xander stood up and stretched before turning to Superman. "Lex needs to die, it's either kill him or watch as he causes thousands of deaths repeatedly. Oh and don't believe anyone who claims to be his son, it's just Lex in a clone body. Talk to the President and get permission if you need to, but killing him really would save tons of lives."

Xander turned to Wonder Woman. "How does it feel to know your entire culture has become the very thing they hate? Don't believe me, fine what would you think if you ran across an island solely populated by males who killed any woman who set foot on it and preached about the evils of woman kind? As for this being 'man's world'," Xander made quote marks in the air with his fingers. "I was raised mostly by my mom, who told me what to do. I went to school where most my teachers were female, who told me what to do. I've spent most of the last three years fighting demons commanded by a Slayer, who told me what to do. If we look at 'man's world' (again with the quote marks) we see a more sexually equal society than at any time in history. If we look at Paradise Island we see a society that killed off all the males and preaches how superior women are. Your society is even more evil and oppressive to the opposite sex than the oppressive culture it sprang from."

Not letting her respond he quickly turned to the Green Lantern. "Get the stick out of your ass and study graphic design, just because you're a hero doesn't mean you have to be a nice guy, but that attitude of yours is **really** pushing it."

Having seen Xander make two blitz attacks and move on Green Lantern was prepared to catch him. "And the graphic design?"

"Your ring is powered by four things; the battery you can't improve, the faith you have in your oath is already pretty damn impressive, your willpower is also about as good as it gets, your ability to visualize and design things on the fly however can be improved. I'd suggest watching more cartoons as well, but I dunno if you're mentally flexible enough to get anything out of it."

Xander moved on to his next victim while the Green Lantern stroked his chin. "If you have a future with the bald guy with the ring it'll happen, but it won't happen for at least a decade. So let go of the jealousy and anger and move on, it's turning you into someone who neither one of you likes."

Turning to Batman he grinned, and it wasn't a nice grin. "And last but not least, the Caped Cuckoo – I'd suggest therapy and a heavy Thorazine regiment, but that would blunt your edge and you are needed as you are. You are one of the most pathologically driven people in existence. Of course, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but I felt like saying it. You are a bigger asshole than GL over there, but in your case it actually is a mental condition that would require medication to treat – and like I said you're needed the way you are. The only thing I can really say is that you need to treat the people you care for a bit differently; they have the right to fight and die for what they believe in, just like you do, but they'll never have the drive you do and letting them know how proud you are of them once in a while won't blunt their edge, it'll increase their drives a bit and make their lives a bit brighter."

Batman's face was impassive. "Is that all?"

Xander scratched his side. "Kill the Joker before he adds any more children to his list of victims. If you can't do that, may I suggest a pre-frontal lobotomy to calm him down?"

Batman nodded. "Noted." and Xander knew he was actually considering what he'd been told.

"Hey what about me?!" Flash protested.

Xander just grinned. "You're already doing great. You work hard, make time for all the normal people in your home town and do your best to keep everyone's spirits up, come what may. What more can anyone ask for? I'd say be a little less impulsive, but for someone who became one with acceleration you're already doing an impressive job on that. So, really all I can say is keep up the good work. Oh, and try and flirt with Hawkgirl a bit more, she's way too gloomy."

"Hey!" Hawkgirl protested, her feathers actually ruffling. "I don't need anyone ordered to flirt with me."

"It's true," the Flash chimed in, "between her looks and her way with a mace, if she couldn't fly she'd be mobbed by fan boys." The covert thumbs up he flashed Xander was only caught by Superman who suppressed a grin.

Xander blinked and looked thoughtful for a second. "You're right, I should have guessed it, but I'm too used to Buffy complaining about men who can't appreciate a strong woman that I forget how many of us actually prefer them."

Hawkgirl's feathers smoothed out as she leaned back with a small smirk on her face.

Batman took in the entire setup without a flicker of emotion to give him away. "Since you're dreaming and none of this matters – how about telling us something that we'd not find out normally?"

As much as he detested magic, Batman knew Wonder Woman's lasso was an effective tool and this strange individual seemed to know a lot about them, and his ideas so far … had merit. If there was a chance to give them a bit more of an edge, he'd take it.

Xander shrugged thinking 'What the hell?' "Supes, I'd really suggest studying magic because even if you find you can't use spells, you can always find a way to use magic to protect you from magic and maybe even from green glowing rocks. Of course before you get into that, see about some mental protection so Darkseid can't make you his bitch again."

"Wonder Woman... spend more time with Batman and see if you can get him to relax a bit. If nothing else he'll be able to educate you on modern crime solving techniques. The exercise in futility will help you learn to control your temper."

"Hawkgirl the mace and flight thing is nice, but you should know enough about your people's tech to add a distance weapon of the non-lethal variety and a donation of a little advanced medical knowledge will also help convince the common man you're on his side."

"GL you also have access to advanced tech via the Corps. I'd suggest terraforming Mars as a hobby and claiming you're renaming it Bob when you're done. A little unpredictability is a great asset in battle and a sense of humor can really make people underestimate you, for some strange reason."

"Batsy I'd suggest studying magic as well, or at least shamanism. You're claimed by the bat totem, which is why you're supernaturally sneaky and even Supes doesn't hear you coming half the time. Echolocation just doesn't work against Bat's avatar. If you really want to add some unusual skills, hunt down Lamont Cranston, he'll be in a Buddhist temple somewhere talking to an ancient kid."

"Flash, you're gifted with the power of acceleration – which means stopping things as well as making things move very fast. I'm not sure about the vibrating through solid matter bit, but it's worth a try."

"Is that all?" Batman asked, having already written down everything Xander said and thought of several ways of tracking Cranston down.

Xander shrugged. "Tell Lois who Supes is, so he'll get married and settle down some time this decade. Alfred has some rare disease, so I'd suggest either dropping him in a Lazarus Pit or having a Kryptonian donate some blood for him and then drop him on a nude beach to soak up some rays."

"And that will cure him?" Batman demanded, a hint of something in his voice that not even Superman could identify.

"Probably, humans are one of the most mutable races in the universe. There are side effects to either method, but nothing I remember from the higher plane offers a better shot."

"What kind of side effects?" Batman was all business as he questioned Xander putting aside emotional issues so he could figure out the best way to help a man who was like a father to him.

"Well if you use Supes blood, there's a good chance he'll develop a weaker copy of Kryptonian abilities. If you drop him in the Lazarus Pit there's a good chance he'll wind up decades younger with a mild case of megalomania."

"And if I do both?"

"If you plan on doing both, use the Pit first so there's no chance the Kryptonian powers will interfere with things. If you do both there's a better than even chance Alfred will take over the world. I don't mean by violent overthrow either. There is a saying – if one wants to be a great leader, he must first learn to follow. Alfred as a man in his prime would make one hell of a charismatic leader; add a touch of megalomania to give him the desire to lead and a bit of Kryptonian power to keep him from getting killed by corrupt officials and increase his productivity and people will all but worship him. Personally I can think of worse fates. So if he enters politics, I'll work on his campaign. If I was actually here that is."

"Cool, he's got my vote." Flash grinned. Having a competent politician in charge of the world would certainly make their jobs easier.

Batman sat deep in thought as his coworkers began discussing campaign platforms and possible slogans.

'Alfred for President?'

**AN: Wrote this for fun, but decided I made Xander too much of a Stu and bashed Wonder Woman too much to actually make a story out of it. The idea was that Xander ended up with power over gravity in much the same way the Flash had power over acceleration. **

**AN2: Everyone thank Godogma for typing this up for me so I couldn't procrastinate anymore!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Compacted**

"I wonder how long this dream is going to go on for anyway..." Xander wondered aloud.

"You're not dreaming," Flash said, dropping out of the conversation on how a native born Brit could become an American president.

Xander laughed. "I go from fighting demons and working as a stripper, to hanging out in the Watchtower with some of the greatest heroes in existence, in a world where the good guys win on a daily basis? I'm not sure this dream could get any better."

The door behind them opened and Xander turned his head just barely catching a glimpse of Power Girl before he found himself flying across the room and crashing into her chest.

"OK, now I believe he's magnetically attracted to breasts," Hawkgirl admitted.

Xander, his face buried in a startled Power Girl's cleavage, said something, but it was so muffled that no one could hear it.

"What?" Flash asked.

"He said 'I stand corrected,' and 'best dream ever'." Power Girl replied, before floating off the floor and finding much to her amusement that he was indeed stuck to her breasts.

"Yeah, I can't see convincing him he's not dreaming now," Flash admitted.

"I just stopped in to say I'm going off the clock for about 12 to 16 hours. That last mission really wiped me out. I'm looking forward to a long hot shower and some decent sleep – unless the world is ending don't call me," Power Girl announced and relayed from her cleavage, "Ditto. We'll worry about the magnetic thing after some sleep."

The door closed behind the 'attractive' couple to complete silence.

"Didn't she already?" Wonder Woman began.

"Yep," Flash replied.

"So what she really plans on is..."

"Indeed," GL nodded.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Wonder Woman asked Superman.

Superman scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. "The last time I talked to Power Girl she said that if she couldn't find a man who didn't chicken out on finding how strong she was, she might start turning her eyes to me... and this farm boy is from Kansas not Kentucky."

* * *

"So it was a subconscious use of his unknowingly acquired abilities that sent him flying into Power Girl's chest?" Batman asked.

J'onn nodded. "Yes, now that Xander knows about his abilities we shouldn't have any subconscious accidents of that type again."

The door to the medlab opened and Xander went flying, his face landing in Power Girl's cleavage once more.

Batman raised an eyebrow.

"I said no more subconscious accidents like that, that however was a conscious use of his abilities.

Xander said something that was completely muffled, but Power Girl heard him anyway. "I don't think you can claim my breasts in the name of Xander-topia. However land usage rights might be attained."

Power Girl looked over at J'onn.

"I know, 12 to 16 hours of downtime. I'll see to it," he replied as she left with Xander still attached.

* * *

Most of the heroes were in civilian attire, enjoying a rare quiet day to have a barbecue. "I have to say I envy your empowerment," Flash said in between hamburgers.

"You'd prefer the power of Gravity over acceleration?" Xander asked.

"No way! I just think the way you were empowered was a lot more fun than mine," Flash said with a grin.

Xander saw a blonde woman approaching whose eyes were pure white and said with a grin, "I have to go do something over there."

"OK, seeya!" Flash called as Xander went to go watch Power Girl play volleyball.

Power Girl dropped out of the game to give Xander a kiss and steal his drink.

"Who's that with Flash?" she asked, having noted Xander leave as the girl approached and wondering why.

"Just a young woman who wanted to introduce herself."

"She works fast," Power Girl smiled as the flustered Flash babbled at the girl who had plopped herself in his lap.

"You have no idea."

* * *

Xander and Power Girl strolled through Metropolis, enjoying the sights. She'd seen them all before, but Xander was so excited that it carried over onto her.

"I want to get a shot of the Daily Planet and a bunch of back issues! Man, if my friends could see me now."

A huge bank vault door flew through the front of the bank and smashed into a line of parked cars, pelting the nearby pedestrians with shards of broken glass and twisted metal, miraculously causing no serious injuries.

"Time to work," Power Girl sighed, unhappy about their date being interrupted.

"Go get'em honey!" Xander cheered her on, not at all disappointed at a chance to see her in action.

Power Girl blushed and flew into the bank, only to come flying out with enough force to dent the vault door.

A tall robotic figure stepped out of the bank, its right hand giving off a slight greenish glow from the crystals embedded in it.

"After my last defeat at Super Man's hands I decided to upgrade myself. I no longer have to expose my power source to harm a Kryptonian. I will take great pleasure in strangling you to death, almost as much as I shall at Super Man's eventual demise," the robotic figure stated before stalking toward the downed heroine.

Power Girl struggled to rise, clutching her ribs, but the Kryptonite proved too much for her and as she fell Xander saw red.

* * *

Metallo stumbled and almost lost his feet as the ground shook. Scanning the area for the source of the disturbance he spotted a human stalking toward him.

The figure wore no costume, just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but his every footstep sent shock waves through the ground like an angry god.

Metallo powered up the Kryptonite enhanced blaster built into his right arm, only to scream in pain as his arm was brutally ripped away from his body - the material compressed so tightly it vanished.

"Goodbye corpse!" Xander growled his hand reaching out like a claw, as a gravity field formed around Metallo causing the cyborg's metal frame to groan from the forces it was being subjected to.

"But heroes don't kill!" Metallo shouted beginning to panic as mechanical stress sensors blared warnings in his head.

"I'm not a hero, I'm just in love with one," Xander said flatly. "And you hurt her."

Staring into Xander's eyes, Metallo would have wet himself were he still capable of it. The pressure around him increased and his left hip snapped before a voice rasped out "Xander."

Xander dismissed the partially crushed cyborg from his mind, causing Metallo to fall to the ground as he ran to Power Girl's side. "Are you OK?"

"I'll be fine," she promised him, before pulling him down atop her. "So, you love me?"

"Yeah," he replied nervously.

"Good thing I love you too then," she said before kissing him soundly.

Unnoticed a news crew using a zoom lens and shotgun mic broadcast the entire scene live.

* * *

Lex Luthor watched the evening news thoughtfully. "Mercy?"

"Yes, sir?" his female chauffeur, bodyguard and gofer replied.

"Make sure any plans I have involving Super Man are modified to avoid Power Girl's involvement."

"Yes sir."

* * *

"Where is Power Girl?" Darkseid demanded, having used a boom tube to appear in Power Girl's bedroom with the intentions of killing her as a means of weakening Super Man.

Alarms blared around the two, as the sensors inside the watchtower detected Darkseid's arrival.

All the humanity leaked from Xander's eyes as he saw the Kryptonite dagger in Darkseid's right hand.

Throwing his hands up, palms out to either side of Darkseid, Xander began to curl his fingers and Darkseid found himself, arms outstretched, unable to move, as if he'd been crucified.

"Unhand me mortal!" Darkseid growled, his eyes beginning to glow orange.

"If you try to fire off those Omega beams the only way I have to defend myself against them will probably kill you," Xander warned him, trying to hold back his instinctive response which was to remove the threat to his girlfriend permanently.

"You cowards lack the balls," Darkseid sneered and his eyes glowed bright orange for a second before Xander clenched his fists – the opposing gravitational forces ripped Darkseid in two, showering the room in blood and gore as he collapsed to the floor panting.

"Xander!" Power Girl's worried voice called out as she burst into the room, fell to the ground and crawled over to him.

Her entry was quickly followed by Super Man, who fell to his knees as well, followed by the Flash, who had enough sense to see what was going on and quickly located and removed the source of Kryptonite.

"Speak to me!" Power Girl demanded anxiously, searching for wounds beneath all the blood.

"Darkseid showed up with a Kryptonite dagger, looking for you, I warned him about using his eye beams but he didn't listen," Xander said, finally having caught his breath after expending so much power. "I managed not to harm him until he gave me no choice."

"I don't care about him. Are you OK?"

"Yeah, just a bit tired. I could use a long hot shower and some decent sleep, unless the world is ending," Xander said as if quoting from memory.

"We'll have to use your room. You made a mess in mine," Power Girl said as she hugged him and the two headed off leaving bloody footprints in the hall.

Super Man sighed as he took in the destruction around him. Darkseid's blood was splashed around as if a giant had ripped him in half... and for good reason. Even concentrating on Darkseid hadn't kept Xander's powers from warping the metal around him.

"This is going to take a lot of work."

Flash having returned just after they'd left asked, "You're worried about the damage, but not about Darkseid's death?"

Super Man shook his head. "Xander had little choice and gave him fair warning. J'onn reviewed the footage from the monitors and sent me a mental clip of it. Besides he never claimed to be a hero, just a man handed a set of amazing powers that he's still trying to master. Xander isn't a member of the League and avoids violent confrontations because he wants to avoid injuring anyone on accident."

"So no harm, no foul?" Flash asked, glad to hear Xander wasn't going to be in hot water over this scene.

"He wasn't operating as a vigilante, just a man defending himself. Self defense is every man's right."

* * *

Power Girl winced as she lay in bed. The pulses were getting closer and she'd have to make a decision soon, but could she really ask him to jump blindly into infinite with her? He'd mastered his powers and used them to help Alfred in his commercial ventures which he was using to bankroll his campaign. Xander had a life here and it wasn't fair to ask him to abandon it.

"So, when are we going?" Xander asked, kissing the side of her neck.

"What?! How'd you know?"

"Because I know comics and I saw Super Girl on the news – which means we have to leave soon."

"It's not fair to make you give up your life here."

"No, it's not fair to make me give up my girlfriend. Things can be replaced and new friends made, love is irreplaceable. So, how do we jump realities?"

"I don't know," she admitted, turning around to face Xander with a big smile on her face her pain forgotten, when she felt another pair of lips kiss her neck.

"Uh... Xander, who's behind me?"

"I think its Gravity with either an offer of a threesome or transport to another reality," Xander said with a grin.

"Can't it be both?" the voice asked, as she pressed herself up against Power Girl's back.

"You sent Xander to me," Power Girl said. "Of course it can be both!"

"Before we get started," Xander said, trying to hide his surprise and interest in Power Girl's answer. "What reality do you think would suit us?"

"Your home of course." Gravity laughed. "Unless of course one of us gets distracted during transmit again ..."

**THE END**

**AN: This is a somewhat sketchy outline of what I had planned. Thought I'd share since so many people asked about it. If anyone wants to write a full version, feel free you have my permission – just send me a link. **

**AN2: Everyone thank Godogma for his work on typing this up.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Some earlier scenes that I have finally gotten around to writing.**

**Training: Take One**

"It's obvious you need training," Batman said bluntly from the control room overlooking the simulator. "And with the power you have you're a danger to others until you learn control."

Xander nodded absently and looked around the League simulation room. "The X-men could **so** sue you for this."

"Who?"

Xander shook his head and examined the fake Metropolis with a slowly growing smile. "Not important, they're in another dimension and should probably nail the Star Trek people first."

Batman glanced down to make sure the recorder was still running, he could run a search later to see what if any significance Xander's comments had.

"Computer," Xander ordered, wanting to play with the Danger – err simulation room. "Reduce Metropolis to one twentieth actual size and replace all citizens with tiny Lex Luthors."

"Complying," the computer responded in a female voice. "Superman stress relief program 1.5 engaged."

"Replace Lois Lane with Galatea for this simulation," Xander ordered, noting the way the Daily Planet towered over the other buildings and the posters for Super Kong.

"Complying."

Xander roared and beat his chest as the city shrank around him, the faces of the now tiny androids began shifting and losing their hair.

Batman stared speechless as Xander crushed tiny Luthors beneath his feet before grabbing a small Galatea and climbing the Daily Planet building all the while pretending to be a giant ape.

Xander was right in the middle of swatting the Lexs, that were infringing on Iron Man's patents, out of the air when Superman and Wonder Woman arrived, followed by Galatea. "I'm playing the role of Fay Wray," Galatea said with a grin.

"Apparently," Superman replied, looking more than a little amused.

"Why is he acting like Grodd?" Wonder Woman asked.

"He's playing the role of King Kong," Batman replied absently.

"Oh! I see it now. It just looks different using Metropolis," Wonder Woman replied looking at Batman. "I had no idea your simulations were so entertaining."

"It's one of mine actually," Superman said. "I've been enlarged before, so a tiny Metropolis is perfect training for the next time it happens."

"And the King Kong setup?" she asked.

"That's happened to me before too."

"And the tiny Lex Luthors?" She smirked.

"Great for stress relief," Superman admitted guiltily.

One of the flying Iron Lexs sent an energy blast at Xander and missed, accidentally blasting the Galatea doll off his shoulder.

Unable to turn in time to catch her Xander watched her fall and turned back toward the miniatures harassing him.

"Warning! Strong gravitational flux detected in simulation!" the computer announced.

"What little control he has vanishes when he gets upset," Batman pointed out.

Xander swiped his hand angrily and the flying droids imploded into tiny metal spheres that embedded themselves in the floor.

The buildings behind the Lexs didn't fare much better as the gravitational force unleashed carved huge chunks out of their infrastructure and they collapsed, taking nearby structures with them.

"Ouch," Galatea said with a wince.

Batman nodded. "Ouch indeed. You can see why it's imperative that he acquires at least a modicum of control as quickly as possible."

"Later you can work with him some more," Galatea said. "But for now, I'm going to take him to lunch and cheer him up."

A down hearted Xander stared at the destruction around him until he felt a tap on his shoulder and found a tiny Galatea floating in front of his face. In all the excitement he'd forgotten that, unlike Lois or Fay, Galatea could fly.

The three and a half inch tall figure kissed the end of his nose, making him smile. Just before the original model spun him around for her own kiss.

The tiny flying girl watched sadly as the original carried him out the door, but a pulling motion from one of his hands pulled her out the door and after them just before they shut.

"Far too emotional," Batman said flatly.

**Training: Take 12**

Xander floated on a metal disc, while several others were alternately used to attack various robots or deflect energy attacks or items thrown at him.

Batman added some random civilians to the simulation and Xander adapted, widening his circle to include them in its protection.

In the simulation control room the entire group who had been there for his arrival along with Galatea and J'onn watched the battle.

"Wow, Xander's come a long way from drunk on the ceiling and unable to resist the gravitational pull from T's chest," Flash teased.

"He still can't," Galatea smirked.

"How is he doing that?" Superman asked. "I thought he manipulated gravity, not metal."

"He said revealing your strengths and weaknesses was one of the few things you should never do, so he's using his ability to manipulate gravity to look like he can only manipulate metal. Said if he was ever forced to wear the tights he'd name himself something to do with that so he'd always be one step ahead of everyone," Galatea explained with a grin.

Batman cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Adding stressful emotive situation now."

One of the civilians being protected whipped out a pistol from her purse and shot him in the back... To no effect.

"He had a metal shield under his shirt," Batman said with a hint of admiration. "I didn't even see him move it there."

"Seems a bit paranoid," GL said.

"If it gets used, then it's not paranoid," Batman said firmly, causing almost everyone to roll their eyes.

Xander glanced back and the woman with a gun vanished and a small superdense metallic sphere embedded itself in the floor.

J'onn winced. "If he deems you a threat he is far more ruthless than any of us in removing the threat."

"All that power in the hands of someone who values life so little," GL sighed.

Galatea snorted. "All that power in the hands of someone who values life so much he'd rather get blood on his hands than allow someone evil to go around spilling it."

"If we acted like that, we'd be no better than they are," Superman said, thinking about how things could escalate and trying not to picture the ocean of blood he could so easily spill if he allowed himself to cross that line.

"Book of Xander, Chapter 3, Verse 2," Galatea said. "Trust not they who cannot tell the difference between shedding blood to protect others and shedding blood because they can. For they are blind, seeing no difference between a mother killing to protect her child and a lunatic killing the same child for fun."

Superman sighed. "Ok, I may have oversimplified. What I meant is that we ourselves can't afford to deviate from a strict code of conduct or we run the risk of becoming the very thing we fight against. The worst thing about evil isn't the pain it causes or the damage it does, it's the way it can turn those fighting it into copies of itself."

Wonder Woman winced and not for the first time reflected on the truth of what Xander had said to her on arrival.

"Book of Xander, Chapter 4, Verse 6 – If the only way to destroy the evil is by becoming it, remember to include your own destruction in the plans. Sometimes destroying evil requires sacrifice. But unless it's self sacrifice you aren't destroying evil, merely shifting it around a bit." Galatea grinned.

Superman nodded at her words and looked thoughtful.

"What's Chapter 2, Verse 1?" Flash asked, picking one at random.

"He who smelt it has a high probability of being the one who dealt it," Galatea said and waited for everyone to finish either giggling or scoffing before she continued. "Translated, beware one who sees evil everywhere they look – chances are they are looking in a mirror."

Flash sniffed and wiped a tear from his eye. "It's so nice to meet a fellow philosopher after being stuck as the sole voice of reason around here."

No one could tell if Flash was joking or not, and many were slightly disturbed at the thought that there was a deeper meaning in his jokes than they had thought at the time.

"Book of Xander, Chapter 1, Verse 2?" Shayera requested curiously.

"Blood is only thicker than water after exposure to air."

Everyone exchanged glances, hoping someone else had understood that one.

Galatea smiled. "Translated..." she drawled, and was gratified to see everyone's interest. "The bonds that bind together those you've shed blood for and with are greater than those to the people who merely share the blood in your veins. They are your true family."

Flash gave Galatea a big thumbs up while Batman did his stone face impersonation and others blushed.

Batman decided to change the subject rather than deal with any of the emotions it brought up, and gave a brief thanks to any deity that was listening that Green Arrow wasn't here.

"What's Chapter 1, Verse 1?"

"The first rule of battle is, don't die," Galatea said, and noticed everyone was waiting knowing more was coming. "Death isn't when your heart stops beating and you stop breathing. Death is when you've allowed evil to overwhelm all the good you've done. Those who go the grave with their heads held high and the world better for their existence need never fear death for they are immortal."

Wonder Woman shivered. "Does anyone else here feel like storming the gates of Tartarus?" she asked, her warrior spirit craving battle to put truth to the words she'd just heard.

A sea of hands went up.

"No storming Hell!" Batman ordered and received a chorus of disappointed awws. "We have too much good we need to do on Earth before we can even consider that."

There was a round of nods at that, and Batman wondered when he'd be able to get away and visit Cranston as he'd finally located him in the Andes.

* * *

Hades glanced around his throne room and wondered why he felt a chill. Throwing another dozen damned souls on the fire he returned to reading the Harry Potter series and wondered why evil was getting off lightly and good was paying the price in it. Maybe that JK Rowling woman wanted to encourage evil he pondered, and not for the first time, to himself.

* * *

"Ok, second test," Batman announced, bringing everyone's attention back to Xander.

The Joker and Harley popped out of an alley near Xander, but before they could even get off a quip their heads vanished and they fell over.

"Man sure does hate those two," Flash said whistling softly.

"I'm not sure he does," Batman replied.

"He just imploded their heads," Shayera pointed out. "I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure that's a universal sign of dislike," she finished sarcastically.

"Watch," Batman said grimly.

A pair of rodeo clowns came out of an alley several blocks in front of Xander and the people he was protecting. Xander gave no sign that he saw them, but their heads imploded and they fell back into the shadows.

"Did he even notice them?" GL asked.

"Not consciously," Superman replied. "He showed no notice of them at all that I could tell."

"Watch," Batman ordered as he input some changes in the scenario.

Xander dropped the civilians off at a police station and continued on into the suburbs, as he passed a birthday party the clown in the backyard fell over headless much to the children's delight.

"He doesn't have to be aware of them, any clown within a quarter of a mile around him loses its head."

"He's got a clown cranial compression field around him?" J'onn asked in disbelief.

"Basically," Batman admitted. "It's even on when he's asleep or distracted. I ran some robots wearing clown makeup past Galatea's room last night and their heads vanished."

"I'd better alert Creeper," Flash said quickly, not wanting Xander to be responsible for a hero's death.

"Already taken care of. I've also sent out an email to everyone to avoid looking like a clown," Batman said.

"What about mimes?" Flash asked, and then ordered the computer before anyone could answer, "Computer, give us a couple of dozen mimes for violent disposal."

"Batman program 12.3 initiated," the computer replied, to a group of amused heroes.

"I don't like mimes," Batman growled before a bunch of mimes started appearing in the simulator and vanishing, leaving behind only pairs of black shoes.

"He **really** doesn't like mimes," Wonder Woman observed blandly, as everyone avoided looking at Batman who wore a very creepy grin.

"Back to testing," Superman said, wishing he could wipe the last ten seconds from his memory.

Batman nodded, all business again much to everyone's relief.

"Computer institute maximum safety protocols then initiate program emotive tests 2."

"Station gravity matrices at full power. Backup gravity matrices at full power. Reinforcing simulator room. Station's energy core readied for overload conditions as needed. Force screens 1-5 activated, initiating emotive tests 2."

Everyone looked over at Batman, wondering if all this was necessary as the simulation began.

The lights flickered like the simulation was ending and Xander turned toward the door just in time to see a bloody and badly injured Galatea fall through the doorway and hit the ground with a thud. The pain in his eyes was heartbreaking to watch as he scrambled to hold Galatea's inert form.

The door had closed behind her and something hit it, denting the metal inward. The walls surrounding the walls came apart as a massive grey figure tore it apart in order to enter the room.

"Doomsday," Superman whispered with a touch of dread.

The thud of the door falling to the floor roused Xander as he stared at the towering figure, now sporting glowing green kryptonite spikes from its elbows, knees and between its knuckles.

"Singularity detected," the computer announced.

Shayera spoke for everyone when she said, "You've got to be shitting me."

* * *

Xander woke a week later, having almost killed himself crushing the robot Doomsday into a micro black hole which had disappeared as soon as Xander lost consciousness.

Galatea had been there when he woke up, and once he was convinced they weren't in heaven he'd planned a truly vicious payback on the 'Bathole' as he'd called him.

Xander sent Valentine's Day invitations and gifts in Batman's name to every female he was remotely close to.

A week later Batman still hadn't apologized, but he'd come close. He'd explained his reasons, by phone of course... He quite liked his head right where it was, and even though Xander could see his side of things he still told Alfred on him.

Batman apologized the next day.

Xander was declared safe to be around civilians, as long as the area was scanned and monitored for clowns first.

It was another two weeks before Xander stopped being clingy.

Galatea didn't mind at all.

**AN: And something from later in the timeline after the first and last appearance of Darkseid. **

**Trial**

Xander looked around the courtroom blurrily.

"And as you can see, he shows no remorse whatsoever," a grey haired man said as Xander yawned.

"Objection," a much younger lawyer exclaimed, while paging through a number of documents.

"The defendant has no clue what's going on and has been drugged unconscious for the last three days. He is no doubt still only half awake."

"Sustained," the judge announced and slammed the gavel down.

Xander blinked rapidly, trying to clear the sleep from his eyes. "I need coffee," he mumbled.

The judge nodded. "I'll declare a fifteen minute recess to allow Mr. Harris to confer with his lawyer and drink some coffee."

The protests from the prosecutor were over ruled by the Judge, who didn't seem to like this whole setup and even the Jury was muttering.

Xander found he was unable to leave his seat as the defendant's box to the left of the Judge was walled in with some clear material.

"I'm not sure how I'm supposed to confer or have coffee delivered while I'm trapped in here," Xander said.

The young man who Xander assumed was his lawyer approached and slid a cup of coffee through an ingenious drawer and dumb waiter system that due to the fact that the material was nearly invisible made him look like a telekinetically gifted mime.

Xander inhaled the cup with a smile and one last yawn. "Ok, I'm awake enough to absorb some facts now. What's going on?"

"I'm Jim Maybourne, and I'm your lawyer," the young man explained.

"And what am I being charged with?" Xander asked.

"First degree murder," Jim said seriously.

"Who?"

"Darkseid."

"This makes no sense," Xander said after a moment of thought.

"Why not?" Jim asked.

"Well, one – the so called murder took place in outer space. Meaning not on US soil and two, it was self defense."

"That doesn't matter," the lawyer explained. "As long as one of the parties is American, the law says the US can try the case."

"Darkseid was a US citizen?" Xander exclaimed loudly, drawing everyone's attention.

"Ummm, no – you are."

"Since when? I don't recall applying for citizenship." Xander frowned.

"Aren't you from California?" Jim asked nervously.

"Yeah, but not a California on this planet," Xander explained.

"So basically they kidnapped me, and are trying me for crimes committed outside the US on an alien life form that's only connection to the US is his attempts to depopulate it."

"I know just what to do," Jim assured him and returned to the defense table.

"Are we ready to proceed?" the Judge asked, seeing everyone back in position and Xander looking awake and alert.

"Xander Harris, you are accused of committing murder in the first degree – how do you plead?" the Judge asked.

"Your honor, my client would like to plead guilty," the defense attorney called out.

"Objection!" Xander shouted.

"You're objecting to your own plea?" The Judge blinked.

"Considering we never discussed a plea and we just discussed some basic errors made that make all of this moot, yes," Xander replied.

"What errors, Mr. Harris?"

"Well for one thing, the 'crime' took place in Outer Space and neither Darkseid nor myself are US Citizens or were looking to apply for citizenship. So I'm wondering where this court is getting the authority to try me."

"Darkseid, what does he have to do with anything? And aren't you from California? There are recordings of you mentioning it," the Judge questioned.

"Well, the man I'm accused of murdering is Darkseid. He teleported into my girlfriend's room on the Watch Tower with a kryptonite dagger and despite my warnings he tried to attack me, so I was forced to use a lethal defense. I am from California, but not from this planet's California."

"I see. Counsel's please approach the bench," the Judge said coldly.

The two nervous lawyers approached and a furious argument broke out in harsh whispers that lasted for several minutes.

"I find that the charges hold no weight in this case, and find the plaintiff innocent of all wrongdoing. Or I would if this was a legal trial, that being said – Mr. Harris, you are free to go," the Judge announced.

Xander smiled and stood up, only to hit his head on the nearly invisible box he was trapped in. "Ouch! Damnit! Sorry, your honor."

"What do they have you in?" the Judge asked.

"No idea. I went to sleep in my bed and woke up here being tried for murder."

"If Judge Anderson hadn't gotten sick I wouldn't have been involved in this case and I'm left wondering if why they looked so panicked when I entered the room is because they had something planned. Anderson has made some questionable rulings as of late so it may just be time for him to retire."

Two men in hazard suits entered and began tinkering with Xander's cell.

"We'll have you free in a moment," one promised before Xander heard a hissing noise and some kind of yellow gas flooded the cell.

"Oops, we seem to have released the knockout gas. We'll have to take him back to the labs to release him," the other said.

Xander would have sighed, but he was currently holding his breath as he increased the weight of the gas that got close to him a thousand fold, making it form a liquid at the bottom of his cell.

The gas slowly thinned out, much to the surprise of the men in the hazmat suits. "How?" one asked. "The gas isn't metallic."

Xander raised an eyebrow and made some vague handsigns that the Judge didn't understand.

"If you can free yourself, I'd suggest doing so."

"The prisoner's cell is made of synthetic diamond plates," one of the hazmat guys explained. "There is nothing metallic in them for his power to affect."

Xander placed his palm on the glass and concentrated for a moment. The diamond plate shattered and he stepped out, avoiding touching the yellow liquid he was keeping under a heavy gravity field.

Taking a deep breath Xander relaxed a little.

"How? That cell was built to keep a magnakinetic restrained!" one of the hazmat suited men exclaimed.

Xander raised an eyebrow and lied glibly, "The bonds holding molecules together are magnetic, they repulse and attract, so at close range they can be disrupted. Really takes it out of a guy though."

"I apologize for the inconvenience Mr. Harris. I have no idea what was planned here, but rest assured it will be investigated."

**AN: Thank dogodma for his typing this up for me!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Curb Stomp - a continuation of Crush**

Spike was used to Dru's mad ramblings after their centuries of close association and could easily decipher the hidden meanings to her words.

"We're fucked," Dru said bluntly.

"Pardon?" Spike asked, turning to face her, his features a mask of confusion.

"We are boned!" she exclaimed.

"Still not getting you luv," Spike replied.

Dru sighed. "Kitten's got a lot on his mind, its heavy as sin and he's dating the Sun's twin daughter."

"He's gained control over gravity and is dating Power Girl?" Spike exclaimed in a mad panic.

The air rippled like water, a pair of glowing figures just barely noticeable.

"Would running help?" one of the minions asked.

"You'll just die tired," Dru said as the two familiar looking figures materialized.

"Her breasts are huge!" a minion exclaimed, saying what they were all thinking.

"Vamps!" Xander growled.

Power Girl swept her heat vision through the scattered undead, causing brief explosions of flame and ash.

Dru wrapped her arms around Spike. "Kitten! Think of the diamonds!" she called out.

Xander raised a hand towards the two and made a fist crushing the two remaining members of the Scourge of Europe and some of the furnishings around them into an extremely small space.

"Huh," Power Girl said, catching Xander's actions as she finished vaporizing the minions.

"What?" Xander asked.

Power Girl walked over to where Xander had removed the two master vampires and picked up something small from the floor and blew on it.

Moving close he saw she was holding a small smokey diamond that looked as if it had already been cut to fit a ring or necklace.

"I can just make out Dru and Spike..." Xander mused as he squinted at the diamond. "Are they dancing in there?"

"The horizontal mambo," Power Girl said and pocketed the gem. "I didn't know you could make gems."

"Neither did I," Xander replied. "Seems like Dru did though; of course being able to see the future probably helps. We should have Giles look at it."

"I can't wait to meet all your friends," she chimed excitedly.

"I'd advise changing …" Xander's voice trailed off and he frowned.

"Honey is something wrong?"

He smiled at her, "I'm fine, just felt a minor gravitational flux some distance from here. As I was saying I'd suggest changing into your civvies."

Power Girl blurred for a second and was suddenly wearing a cheap wig and thick glasses along with blue jeans and a baseball shirt for the Gotham Maniacs.

"The glasses and wig actually make you stand out more," Xander said. "Different reality, different rules."

**The Bronze**

"All the dumps in the world and she has to come back to this one," Xander said with a grin.

"Xander?" Buffy exclaimed, giving him a hug.

"Hey Buffster, why the long face?" he asked as they sat down.

Seeing Xander had a girl with him Buffy just shrugged. "You know how it is; new school, feeling out of place and like I can't hack it."

"Two vamps ducking out the back with their dinner dates," Power Girl said. "I'll be right back."

Buffy stared wide eyed as she left. "She knows and you're letting her hunt alone?"

"It's just two," Xander waved it off. "And of course she knows, she can sense them. So now that that's out of the way, what's wrong?"

"I …" Buffy sighed and decided to trust Xander's judgment. "I got my ass handed to me by a vampire named Sunday. Ever since I got to college I just feel so out of place, like I don't belong."

"I'm sure everyone feels like that at first."

"Not Willow and Oz, they fit in like its Sunnydale High."

"Willow and schoolwork is like peanut butter and jelly," Xander said. "They always go together, and Oz is … could you actually tell if he was feeling out of place?"

Buffy giggled. "I guess not and he does have the advantage of having played college parties before."

"Exactly, trust me Buffy you'll do fine."

"How do you know?" Buffy asked, seeking a bit more assurance.

"When things are at their darkest and I don't know what to do I ask myself 'what would Buffy do?' you're my hero."

"Really?" Buffy asked.

"Yes and sometimes when it's dark I ask myself 'what is Buffy wearing?'"

Buffy giggled and then winced as she noticed Xander's girlfriend standing there.

Power Girl rolled her eyes. "Part of what attracted me to him is his large…" she paused for a second and smirked wickedly, "libido."

Buffy mock groaned. "That was as bad as one of his jokes."

"Introduce us," Power Girl ordered.

"Buffy this is my girlfriend Karen," Xander introduced her, "and Karen this is my second best friend Buffy."

"Pleased to meet you," Buffy said, shaking her hand. "How did you learn about the things that go bump in the night and end up hooking up with Xander? Dish!"

Karen laughed. "My family is … gifted. All of us use our gifts to help out, so we all know what's what. I met Xander when I had all but given up hope of finding a guy who didn't run when he discovered how powerful I was."

"Couldn't hide it?" Buffy asked.

"Not forever; one lapse in concentration and accidentally picking up furniture to clean under it and the secret's out."

"I know just how you feel!" Buffy swore. "And the fact that you can open jars without their help makes them accuse you of trying to emasculate them."

"Exactly!" Karen agreed. "Xander simply buried his face in my chest and didn't care how strong I was. Of course he was a bit out of it at the time and thought he was dreaming."

Buffy burst out laughing.

"I thought I'd either died and gone to heaven or was dreaming, and in either case there was no reason not to bury my face in the bountiful breasts of the angel that was presented to me!"

Karen laughed. "Lecherous and sweet, it's the perfect combo."

Buffy snickered, her bad move forgotten.

"Let's all saddle up and take care of Buff's vamp problem," Xander suggested. "And then go out for pancakes."

"Pancakes?" Buffy asked.

"I'm in the mood for pancakes," Xander replied.

"We have a good pancake place in Sunnydale?" Karen asked hopefully.

"We have Das Waffle Haus, it rocks," Xander said.

"Cool, so where are the vamps?"

Buffy opened her mouth and then paused, "I don't know, just met Sunday and her gang and haven't found their lair yet," she ruefully admitted.

"We could do research and figure things out step by step," Karen said, wrinkling her nose in distaste. "Or we could just use my gifts to track them to their lair and rush in and make a mess of things."

"Mess!" Buffy and Xander cheered before the three broke up laughing.

"Let's go to my dorm room and raid my weapons chest," Buffy said.

"Weapons?" Karen asked.

"Swords, crossbows, stakes …" Buffy listed off. "You don't use weapons?"

"Generally I'm trying not to splatter what I hit, the few times I've run into something I really want to put the hurt on I've just ripped a bumper off a car."

"Wow, I'm the slayer and I'm not that strong … If I'm not being rude, what are you?"

"Argosian," Karen replied, having no reason to hide it on this earth.

Buffy's mind jumped to Jason and the Argonauts, a lesson in Greek lore she recalled. "So, Hercules level strength?"

"Body of a goddess," Xander confirmed with a grin, making Karen blush.

"You are so getting lucky tonight," she told Xander before kissing him.

Buffy grinned. "Worship later, smoosh vampires now."

"Smoosh," Xander said with a grin.

"Weapons first," Buffy insisted.

**0oOo0**

"I can't believe it!" Buffy angrily exclaimed. "That bitch robbed me!"

"What species is your room mate?" Karen asked.

"What?"

"She's got two hearts; venom sacks in her sinus glands and no spleen!" Karen exclaimed. "The outside looks human but the insides aren't."

Everyone turned to Cathy who froze. "I'm hiding out from my parents to avoid an arranged marriage, okay?"

"I knew you were more annoying than was humanly possible!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Like you're easy to get along with?" Cathy snorted in disbelief.

"I'm the Slayer," Buffy said. "Trying to hide that causes all sorts of problems that aren't my fault!"

"You're the slayer?" Cathy yelped. "I am so requesting a different roommate!"

"Can you do that?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Easy as pie," the demoness promised. "A simple glamour so they don't look too closely and we'll just claim religious differences."

"Cool!" Buffy said before frowning. "Wait, you don't eat people or anything, do you?"

"Shards no! A poodle every once in a while but not people."

"Oh, okay. Let me know if you need help moving or anything."

"I was here first," Cathy pointed out. "Plus all your stuff is already out of the room. Besides being the slayer shouldn't you have your own place, for safety's sake?"

"Can't afford it," Buffy said with a sigh.

"We'll cover it," Xander offered.

"I don't want to be a freeloader," Buffy denied.

"You keep the world spinning," Karen said. "That's hardly freeloading. If I need money I can pull gold and gems out of the earth by the tons in the space of an hour."

"It's true," Xander confirmed, "and I made ungodly amounts myself working on satellite casings during my visit to Karen's place; I'm basically retired already."

"You worked on satellites?" Buffy asked in shock.

"Manual labor that I've been paid ridiculously well for, to make things look better to the tax man," Xander confirmed. "I am a man of leisure now."

"So is Giles," Buffy said shaking her head. "Okay, I'll freeload off you two, but if I start being a pest let me know."

"If you start being a pest we'll add another wing to the house and hire people for you to pester," Karen said waving it off and playing the part of the ultra-rich that Xander just handed them. Besides, with their powers it'd be easy to do. They could make Bruce look like a pauper if they wished – and there was no Clark around to guilt them out of it!

**0oOo0**

The three stared at the condemned frat house, Karen looking through the walls.

"One in the basement wearing a full wetsuit including flippers and five are upstairs going through your stuff," Karen announced.

"Really?" Buffy said.

"Uh huh," Karen agreed, wondering how Buffy would react.

"Cool!" Buffy said smiling. "You're handy to have around I can tell."

Xander gave her hand a squeeze; he'd told her that his friends would have no problem with her being different, but she'd gotten so used to hiding it when she wasn't in uniform that she felt uncomfortable.

Taking care of the vamps was anticlimactic. Xander and Karen were only slightly hampered by using only a portion of their strength and with the minions occupied and a little encouragement Buffy handled Sunday the vamps leader like she was a new fledge.

"Groovy!" Buffy declared, stealing Xander's line when she dusted Sunday. "Now, where do we live?"

"Haven't got a place yet," Xander admitted. "We just got here and ran into you."

"We'll crash here tonight," Karen suggested. "Then tomorrow we'll buy it."

"Hey!" Xander said, his eyes lighting up. "This means I have successfully avoided helping Buffy move!"

"Goof," the blonde slayer declared with a laugh and a gentle swat to the arm.

"Should I have the minis bring our stuff?" Karen asked.

"Minis?" Buffy asked.

"Six inch tall robot duplicates," Xander explained. "Yeah, they can bring our stuff in through the skylight."

"Nothing like Ted, right?" Buffy asked warily.

"Homicidal sixties husband android – life size," Xander explained to Karen. "No, the minis are completely different."

Karen pushed a button on her wristwatch and spoke into it, "Follow our signal and bring our stuff in through the skylight."

"How strange was your life before you met me?" Buffy asked Xander.

"I was born and raised on the Hellmouth," Xander replied. "I don't do normal."

The skylight opened and a matte black trunk, with a tiny Xander dressed as Magneto standing on it, floated in followed by several others, each with a tiny figure on top.

"That's me and Willow," Buffy declared excitedly as she saw her mini waving at her. "And a tiny Karen wearing a Power Girl outfit!"

"They must have been following us," Karen said. "Otherwise it would have taken them longer to get here."

"Mouse patrol, people!" Xander ordered.

Tiny Power Girl and Xander flew off, while Tiny Buffy flipped off the trunk with ease while running to catch Willow, who jumped with her eyes closed expecting Tiny Buffy to catch her.

Hand in hand the two scampered off.

"They're just so adorable!" Buffy squealed. "What's mouse patrol and why does your mini fly while mine walks?"

"Mouse patrol is the order to chase out any undesirable vermin and your mini will learn to fly as soon as you do," Xander explained.

"So unfair!" Buffy said. "Still cool as all hell, so – magic or science?"

"Science so far up there it might as well be magic," Xander replied.

"Top Secret Satellite project huh?" Buffy asked.

"I'm rolling in it," Xander replied with a grin.

"You know you don't have to," Buffy said.

"I know," Xander assured her. "Now let's pick rooms, because I call dibs on this one!"

"Why this one?" Buffy asked.

"'Cause I am the opposite of a vampire and feed on sunlight," Karen replied.

"And the sight of you feeding gives me blood flow problems," Xander continued with a grin, images of Power Girl nude sunbathing dancing in his eyes.

"I think I'll leave you to that," Buffy declared before retreating.

**AN: Typing by Godogma!**


End file.
